Clarity to Calamity in .2 seconds

I want to start by apologizing because some of my posts may seem redundant but I find it easier to write when I’m in “the moment” Because it helps me observe my feelings from an objective stand point.

This whole tapering process has been quite the roller coaster. I have my smooth sailing “up” days and occasionally my downers.

What I’ve been experiencing this weekend is very common and basically sums up why people have anxiety. As you all probably know 90% of anxiety attacks happen because your afraid of having one lol. A vicious, sick little cycle if you ask me… WELL because of these newly inherited Vivid night terrors- I have most of my attacks late at night or very very early in the morning like 5 am… What has helped me is having my husband there. I just have him hold me or talk to me to occupy the brain before it goes overboard and I’m usually able to fall back asleep.

My husband and I own a gym and with that comes early morning classes- 6 am. So he or I have to leave the house around 530. Because of this there have been a few attacks I haven’t been able to control because they have happened to hit me after he leaves so my initial thoughts are the following… “Omg, it’s coming… I’m alone… If I get scared I’ll wake up our baby, I don’t want to do that… My neighbors are probably sleeping… No one will be able to help me…” And so on and so forth. You know the downward spiral… These intrusive and unforgiving thoughts send me into sheer panic. To avoid this situation I’ve been doing ALL of our morning classes lol. I literally picked one poison over another. This did help the problem. I was out of the house- occupied- around people… I avoided it completely but I also feel that this avoidance is just the problem.

I didn’t solve my fear. I simply found an alibi and that’s not good. It’s a short term fix and I am in here for the long haul. So we decided that this week my husband would do all morning classes. NOW- having known this all weekend it’s all I could think about, the nasty what if. So instead of fully enjoying my weekend I have had mini panic attacks fearing for this scenario. Useless. Why can’t I stop that?

So what are the facts here. This book I’m reading says a very helpful guide is to write all your fears and then write what the worst case scenario from that fear would be hence making it no reason to fret over… So let’s try

Fear: If I wake up and see I’m alone I will have a panic attack.
*Truth: I don’t need to panic. And if I do wake up and see I’m alone I should take a sigh of relief and enjoy some more sleep until my son wakes up.

Fear: If I have a panic attack I won’t have anyone to help distract me and make it go away.
*Truth: i know how to stop the panic attack by deep breathing and simply relaxing. If I can’t stop the attack I know that I can call my parents or sisters and they will help me control it until I’m able to go back to sleep. I can avoid the attack myself and will be ok.

Fear: what if I pass out from the attack and no one can save me and cristiano (my son) is alone.
*Truth: although I always feel faint I have never passed out from a panic attack. Why would this one be different. I need to recognize that feeling is irrational. If I did pass out- my body would automatically wake myself back up and I can take care of it from there. No one has ever died from a panic attack.

… Those are just a couple of examples I’ll use to help myself tonight although I’m sure we could come up with more. My point here is you’d think by now I would laugh off an impending panic attack because they always come and they ALWAYS go but they still get me hyped up… It makes me sad but IT’S OK. I’m going to learn to stop this destructive way of thinking and behaving completely and until then I’ll deal with it.

This has been a long post- I’ll spare you… Tomorrow I want to address some of these intrusive thoughts I’ve been dealing with and how common they actually are… And all of them- irrational. But how do we stop them?

Good night. Keep me in your prayers/thoughts, if you pray, and i look forward to telling you all about how I successfully faced this fear instead of running away to the gym tomorrow.

– Alexandra


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